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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361867">r/Piffling</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_possum_god/pseuds/gay_possum_god'>gay_possum_god</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wooden Overcoats (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, I'll add characters as they pop up, I'm not entirely sure where this is going, It's just an idea I had</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:09:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,467</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24361867</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_possum_god/pseuds/gay_possum_god</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Am I the asshole for trying to get my neighbor kicked off the island?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>47</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. AItA for trying to get my neighbor kicked off the island?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/funneraldirector</p>
<p>My family has run a funeral home in our village on a small island for hundreds of years. Recently this funeral home has passed into the hands of me and my sister. We’ve been running it smoothly and successfully for years with few problems, and we rarely get complaints.</p>
<p>Recently (this morning) a complete stranger moved onto our island and opened a funeral home right across the square from ours. Obviously this is ridiculous, there isn’t room for two funeral homes on the island, so I went to talk to the mayor about the problem.</p>
<p>Originally when I talked to the mayor, he completely agreed with me that having two funeral homes was just too much for a village of our size. I took the mayor to see the new neighbor so we could evict him together, but the neighbor manipulated the mayor onto his side using underhanded tactics. He also claimed he had permission to build there, but the mayor didn’t remember giving said permission. </p>
<p>Everybody else in the village (now including the mayor) thinks this was very rude of me and completely uncalled for, but I still think it was justified. Am I the asshole?</p>
<p>EDIT: Yes, I tried talking with him first. It went very badly. He tried to make me buy him a drink.</p>
<p>CONSENSUS: YTA 99%</p>
<p>TOP COMMENTS</p>
<p>u/telephonedownawell<br/>YTA clear overreaction. Even if he was a little rude to you the first time you met, people make mistakes, and immediately trying to run him out of town is just mean.</p>
<p>u/singlehandedlyreplacingall40clowns<br/>YTA if your funeral home is really as good and well liked as you claim it is, competition shouldn’t be a problem.</p>
<p>u/godunlessheexistsbecausethatwouldbeblaspheme<br/>NAH It seems like you both just misunderstood the situation. Asking you out for a drink makes it sound like he was trying to flirt with you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. AItA for ruining a funeral out of revenge?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/funneraldirector</p>
<p>I live on an island where there isn’t an easy way to buy things that aren’t on the island. Most people here respect that. Recently a total stranger moved onto the island and every day for the past week he has bought the entire stock of flowers every single day.</p>
<p>Since I run a funeral home I need flowers to do my job. I could easily afford the flowers if they were available, but my neighbor gets there before me and buys them all. Every. Single. Day. We started losing business because of it, and by the end of the week, we had frankly had enough.</p>
<p>So when I found out that one of the things he was using all these flowers for was making giant wreaths for a funeral he was directing, I trained my pet mouse to chew through the cords to change the message on the wreaths.</p>
<p>It didn’t even work because the mouse got the messages wrong and everyone got mad at me anyway. I think I was justified. Am I the Asshole?</p>
<p>EDIT: yes this is the same guy I tried to kick off the island.</p>
<p>EDIT: The other uses of the flowers are not relevant.</p>
<p>EDIT: “we” refers to me, my sister and our employee.</p>
<p>EDIT: stop feeling bad for the dead guy! He was a war criminal anyway.</p>
<p>CONSENSUS: YTA 99%</p>
<p>TOP COMMENTS:</p>
<p>u/singlehandedlyreplacingall40clowns<br/>YTA for wasting our time with a clearly fake story. There’s no way you would be able to train a mouse to do that.</p>
<p>u/seeingmoreofu<br/>NTA wow. War crimes are terrible. Did he get away with that? If he did could you explain how in great detail?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. My (35M) girlfriend(??F)’s coworkers (35M&F) crashed our date twice in one night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>posted on r/relationships by u/mrsunshine</p>
<p>There’s this girl I’ve been interested in for a while. I recently asked her out and she said yes, and naturally I was overjoyed. I have had a rough history with her boss, but I didn’t think it would be a big deal.</p>
<p>I took her out to a new café, and we were enjoying dinner, when I noticed that her boss was a few tables over. This could have easily been a coincidence since we live in a village and there aren’t many places you can go out to eat on a Friday night, so I tried to ignore him. But then there was some sort of mass hysteria over a (cyborg?) mouse that her boss seemed to be involved in. We had to leave the café, and it closed down the next day.</p>
<p>Then we went to the cinema to watch a movie. Almost nobody goes to the cinema in our village. The only regular is my girlfriend’s other coworker, but for the past 18 years, she has only gone on Thursdays. Even though it was a Friday, she showed up a few minutes into our movie. I haven’t had any trouble with her in the past, and she sat quietly in the back, so I decided to just ignore the situation.</p>
<p>Eventually my girlfriend’s boss also showed up and sat in the back with the other coworker, and something happened (I’m not quite sure what), but the Thursday regular coworker, who I’ve barely heard speak before that point screamed at everyone to “get out” and I haven’t heard from my girlfriend since.</p>
<p>What should I do?</p>
<p>EDIT: I don’t know her age because we just started going out, but I promise she is a fully grown adult.</p>
<p>EDIT: Yes my business is competing with hers, and I understand why that could cause some tension, but I’ve been perfectly civil about this in the past and assumed we could all just be mature adults.</p>
<p>TOP COMMENTS</p>
<p>u/sniffingcorpses<br/>I mean, if you’ve only been on one date, she’s not really your girlfriend is she? It seems like you might be jumping the gun just a little bit. Also, there’s nothing wrong with breaking your routines. It seems like the coworker just wanted to see a movie and was just as upset as you were, (and maybe would also like to retry that date)...</p>
<p>u/mattressinawell<br/>Sounds like some things went wrong that were totally out of your control, but also out of her control as well. It was her coworkers, not her. Why don’t you just try asking her how she felt about the evening?</p>
<p>u/funneraldirector<br/>YTA she clearly didn’t like you, and her coworkers were just trying to enjoy their Friday evening, which you ruined. You also sound like a wildly likeable guy.</p>
<p>	u/mattressinawell<br/>	This isn’t AItA.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I assume Georgie's supposed to be somewhere in her 20s, but I don't think her age is ever stated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. AItA for causing my neighbor to throw away all his hard work?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/mrsunshine</p><p>My neighbor (who I will call R) has held a seat on the Village Council as the local events organizer for 11 years. I only moved here a few weeks ago, so I don’t know how those years have gone, but in my few weeks of experience, pretty much nothing has happened. Everyone else has also been complaining about the lack of local activity. I like to try not to judge people and go into every situation with an open mind, but R and I have had some past conflict.</p><p>Recently I decided to sit in on a Village Council meeting (because they are open to anyone who wants to become involved in local politics and do good in their community) and they were discussing setting up some kind of event to keep the gloom away (since people have been feeling down lately) and I suggested they organise a fête. Everyone on the council except R seemed enthusiastic about this idea, and the motion passed with an overwhelming majority. R was put in charge of this naturally since he’s the local events organizer, and he seemed pretty mad about it. (He broke every pencil in the room and the meeting table.)</p><p>Despite his initial lack of enthusiasm, R actually ran a pretty tight ship for the first five days. I hadn’t gotten involved yet, but I was hearing only good things, and it seemed like everything would be ready in time. Just 48 hours before the actual fête was supposed to take place, R approached me and asked me if I wanted to run a booth at the fête. The way he phrased it, it was very clear he didn’t think any of my input would be good enough, but since I’m the better man, I said yes.</p><p>While R was at my house, I asked him about the fête, and he described the other booths and events. I thought it sounded great, and I said so. But I also described it as “very traditional” and he seemed to take offence to that. Over the next 48 hours he ran around undoing all of his hard work to make the fête as traditional as possible. He demanded that he have a rollercoaster instead of a merry-go-round and that the clowns be given real guns instead of water pistols, etc..</p><p>Obviously this was completely ridiculous, so everybody else who had previously been on board with his plan ditched. I felt bad since it was my comment that started the whole thing, so I showed up at his house the morning of and graciously offered to let him use my chocolate fountain (out of the goodness of my heart), but it turned out that while I had been walking around the Village, R had sent my (ex?)girlfriend to sabotage that very chocolate fountain. Insulted, I did not offer more help after that.</p><p>That afternoon we all showed up to what was supposed to be a good time, only to find that all there was to do was stand in an empty field or get your fortune told by R’s sister (who would just say horrible things and throw spoons at you). Everybody was miserable, until I managed to save the day by using the tables to set up a village-wide speed date. Still, I’m worried the whole thing was my fault.</p><p>EDIT: Exactly what history I have with R isn’t relevant.</p><p>EDIT: That’s an oddly unrelated question, but yes we do live on an island.</p><p>CONSENSUS: NTA 99%</p><p>TOP COMMENTS</p><p>u/telephonedownawell<br/>
NTA because you meant well, and even when there were bad consequences for your good actions you still tried to make it right. If R is still blaming you, he’s just being petty. You guys clearly have some problems.</p><p>u/biforhelipcoctors<br/>
YTA for an obvious karma-grabbing validation post. You know it’s not your fault, but you need to brag about how you saved the day and have everybody tell you you’re the hero to feed your ego.</p><p>EDIT: Also, if she broke your chocolate fountain, she’s probably not into you.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>u/singlehandedlyreplacingall40clowns<br/>
EXACTLY. Does this post remind anybody else of our last clearly fake neighborhood tension in a village post?</p>
  <p>EDIT: This is also on an island. Are you kidding me!</p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Having just listened to "The Trouble With Rudyard" and heard Eric say "I guess I'm the better man," I couldn't not have him be annoyingly righteous and validation-seeking.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. My (35f) brother (35m) sent me on a date with an acquaintance (??m) as part of a tax scam</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Posted on r/relationships by u/sniffing corpses</p>
<p>I’m 35, and up until today I had never been on a date in my life. Somehow despite this, an acquaintance of my twin brother and a possible client for our business ended up asking me out this afternoon. Because I am young and naive to the many shortcomings of reality, I said yes even though he seemed a little sleazy.</p>
<p>Just a few minutes into the date it was clear that any charm he may have seemed to have earlier had simply been an illusion. It was also very clear that he didn’t want to be on a date with me, but rather some other girl he thought I was. He kept getting annoyed when I corrected him and wanted me to smile and be happy. (I never smile and am rarely happy). To make matters worse, the man <strike>of my dreams</strike> who runs a competing business across the square from mine was eating dinner with a friend of his just a few tables away and talking about how he’s romantically interested in my coworker.</p>
<p>When I realized the only reason he was interested in our business in the first place was for help with a tax scam I snapped and yelled at him. This was a mistake for two reasons. The first was that the man <strike>of my dreams</strike> who runs the competing business across the road heard and now knows that the first real business we’ve gotten in weeks was because we seemed dumb enough to fall for a tax scam. The second reason was that he (my date) died, but not until I had left, so the man <strike>of my dreams</strike> who runs the business across the street got his body.</p>
<p>My brother says I should have just sucked up to him and taken the money he would have given us to keep quiet, but that seems a little underhanded to me. I’m not even sure what advice I want, but I need some.</p>
<p>EDIT: We both run FUNERAL HOMES. That’s why the man <strike>of my dreams</strike> who runs the business across the street wanted the body. He runs the competing FUNERAL HOME. Nothing weird of creepy is going on here except the tax scam.</p>
<p>TOP COMMENTS</p>
<p>u/mattressinawell<br/>If you didn’t feel comfortable taking the money, don’t let your brother push you into something illegal. It’s your life. (I would be a little worried about the dead guy though, those stay on your record).</p>
<p>u/lefthonorable<br/>Don’t worry, I’m sure that whatever the man <strike>of your dreams</strike> who runs the funeral home across the road sees in your brother he will learn to see in you as well.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. AItA for not warning my neighbor about a chest full of porn?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/mrsunshine</p>
<p>A neighbor (and business associate of mine) and I were recently pitted against each other in a friendly competition by the local lighthouse keeper (who is very old and almost certainly has dementia). There were two prizes for this competition, the first isn’t relevant and the second was a box of “mystery treasure.”</p>
<p>Through means that I can’t disclose, I found out that the “mystery treasure” was actually just about two dozen copies of a raunchy book written by the lighthouse keeper. I thought it would only be fair to warn my competition, so I headed over to his house to tell him, but when I got there he was very rude to me. I can understand getting a little competitive, but even when I was a professional tennis player (a long time ago…), I never showed anything less than good sportsmanship to my opponents. Irked, in a moment of pettiness, I chose to let him find out for himself.</p>
<p>Anyway, I had a great party on my yacht (which I also invited him on and he very rudely refused) while he sat miserably in a little row boat before getting thrown out by his sister for dragging him into the situation, and when he finally got fished out, learned his reward was a box full of porn. In the end I felt kind of bad. He looked really unhappy, but he also usually looks really unhappy.</p>
<p>So, am I the asshole?</p>
<p>EDIT: Since apparently nobody knows how to trust on this website, the competition was giving a funeral to a seagull, and the first reward was the lighthouse keeper’s body.</p>
<p>EDIT: The lighthouse keeper’s body once he was DEAD. Get your minds out of the gutter. We each run a funeral home and he wanted to see who he could trust to do his funeral. </p>
<p>CONSENSUS: NTA 98%</p>
<p>TOP COMMENTS</p>
<p>u/telephonedownawell<br/>
NTA if he brushed you off, then it’s not your fault for not telling him. If he was already being rude to you, he probably wouldn’t have listened if you told him anyway. I mean, you invited him to a party on your yacht and he said no...</p>
<p>u/funneraldirector<br/>
YTA for not rescuing your neighbor from the water even though the fish were eating his shoes</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>u/telephonedownawell<br/>
It doesn’t say that??? anywhere???</p>
</blockquote><p>u/seeingmoreofu<br/>
NTA, but I can understand why porn is the part you’re mad about when you were already in the competition when you knew the other prize was literally the lighthouse keeper’s body.

</p><p>EDIT: you wanna fuck the lighthouse keeper’s corpse??? .... (that’s kinda hot ngl)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I will continue with jokes along the lines of the last comment (especially when I get to Antigone and Nigel's book) so tell me if I should change the rating.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. AItA for throwing a cat in a bin?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/funneraldirector</p><p>Several parts of this story are very long and complicated, so I will only explain the parts of the backstory that are relevant.</p><p>Anyway, my assistant was in a dark alley catching a stray cat (for reasons that aren’t relevant), when our business competition spent a solid 5 minutes bumbling through a marriage proposal to her even though she clearly wasn’t interested. He also made her lose the cat. She told him to stand in a dark corner and wait for her to come back and tell him her decision, then took the cat and ran.</p><p>I then took a video of myself throwing said cat into a bin for entirely philanthropic community purposes that are too complicated to get into here. Anyway, some kid saw me and told everybody that I threw a cat in a bin without explaining the important context, and the entire village got angry and formed an angry mob to chase me.</p><p>While they were chasing me we ended up at a cliff overlooking the ocean, and I used this opportunity to discard a dummy that looked like my worst enemy that I just so happened to be carrying by throwing it over. The mob, who hadn’t gotten a very good look, thought that I thrown my actual worst enemy over, and are now putting me on trial for murder.</p><p>Am I the asshole?</p><p>CONSENSUS: YTA 100%</p><p>TOP COMMENTS:</p><p>u/ihadsexinahotairballoon<br/>
YTA. I can excuse murder, but I draw the line on animal cruelty.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>u/singlehandedlyreplacingall40clowns<br/>
You can excuse murder?</p>
</blockquote><p>u/telephonedownawell<br/>
YTA. Who the fuck throws a dummy that looks like someone they know off a cliff?? Who even owns a dummy that looks like someone they know, let alone their worst enemy???</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>u/godunlessheexistsbecausethatwouldbeblaspheme<br/>
Yeah, what were you doing with that dummy OP ( ͡° ͜ ͜ʖ ͡°)</p>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ao3 formatting fucked up my lenny face, but I don't know how to fix it :(</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. AItA for hiding in the sewer for a week without telling anybody where I was?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Posted on r/AmItheAsshole by u/mrsunshine</p>
<p>For a while now I’ve been noticing an unusually high number of people dying in my community. Many of them have also been dying under strange circumstances. I began to suspect foul play a while ago, and I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to investigate.</p>
<p>The perfect opportunity presented itself when, while I was standing in a dark alley waiting for my girlfriend to come back and accept my proposal, I saw my neighbor run through the town square with a dummy that looked just like me and hurl it over a cliff while being chased by an angry mob. Everybody thought I was dead, so I was able to go into hiding to do my investigation work. Unfortunately, my neighbor got charged with my murder and given a life sentance in prison, but it was all for the greater good.</p>
<p>Once I whent into hiding though, the murders stopped. At first I assumed this meant it was my neighbor. It seemed to fit because he’s weird and creepy and nobody likes him, so of course nobody would actually accuse him of being a serial killer, it just seems like a joke! But then through a series of brilliant deductions I figured out it was actually not the mayor’s secretary.</p>
<p>I went to break my neighbor out of prison because I had no need to hide any more, I figured I owed him a bit, and I wanted back up when confronting a serial killer. When I got into his cell, it turned out that he had already figured it out too, so I didn’t even have to explain myself. When we got to the mayor’s office, we found my fiance and her coworker accusing the mayor of being the killer, but we quickly sorted things out.</p>
<p>At the end of the day between the greater good, my breaking my neighbor out of prison, my neighbor’s trial getting him more attention than he has ever had before, and his using that attention to loudly accuse me of being the murderer, I figured we were even. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to see it that way. Was I the asshole?</p>
<p>CONSENSUS: NTA 90%</p>
<p>TOP COMMENTS:</p>
<p>u/singlehandedlyreplacingall40clowns<br/>NAH What the fuck did I just read?</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>u/telephonedownawell<br/>How does your judgement connect to your comment?</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>u/singlehandedlyreplacingall40clowns<br/>It doesn’t. I’m just trying to keep the bot off my dick.</p>
  </blockquote>
</blockquote>u/biforhelipcoctors<br/>YTA Everybody else seemed to figure it out without hiding in the sewers, and it seems like that wasn’t even how you figured it out in the end. Also if she didn’t say yes to your proposal, then she isn’t your fiance.<blockquote>
  <p>u/seeingmoreofu<br/>You don’t know, she could have said yes later.</p>
  <p></p>
  <blockquote>
    <p>u/biforhelipcoctors<br/>She didn’t.</p>
  </blockquote>
</blockquote>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh boy, it's really been a hot second. I got so caught up in the euphoria of all my final papers being finished that I forgot other things also require typing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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